I remember that little girl…


It’s been quite a while since I last wrote an entry.  I decided today was the day to share some of my self reflections.  It’s almost like a poem, but not really.   It’s the only way I could share my story so bare with me…

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When I was a little girl

I had such a small voice that never seemed to be heard
too afraid to yell or tell
because her threats were very persuasive
and the reason why I tried to be evasive
whenever I was in her presence
because she was stealing a child’s innocence
never once did she stop to think
how that would affect me years later
and oh, how I tried not to hate her

And He liked to touch me, too
every chance he got
a massage to my shoulder
a caress to my thigh
as a developing young girl
I never understood why
my body had begun to deceive me
I was still a child, couldn’t they see?
but my body swelled in areas that seemed to attract
hands and fingers from her, him and them and I could not keep them back
But why?!?
what had I done and how could I make them stop?
my mind had yet to catch up to my growing body
often I cried and asked why me

my legs where shapely and athletic, bronzed from playing in the sun
jumping rope, playing kickball or whatever was fun

my hips and breasts were becoming firm and round
resembling that of a grown woman
but, I was only nine, ten and eleven

yet, the seeds had been planted
and each new experience would only fertilize the grounds
that allowed me to question my morality
and for which I had once based my sexuality

However, on this day I confess what I have only disclosed to a few
I will no longer be held in bondage for today I start anew!

Thank you, Lord, I have forgiven them: she and he

I am tortured no longer, finally, I have been set FREE!!!

ilovemyself

The Unsung Goddess Episode featuring Dyuanna Mebane Part 2 04/18 by The Unsung Goddess | Blog Talk Radio

Life Lessons!


Originally posted on {Hungry Heart}{Thirsty Mind}:

#1 Stop Procrastinating- whether it’s a project for school, report for work, re-organizing the kid’s bedroom, taking that trip, starting that home reno, or getting the pooch to the salon – Sometimes “tomorrow I’ll do it” turns into, next week, next month, next year. I always ask one of my friends when he plans on quitting smoking, implying to “star”t immediately.  He always replies with a “tomorrow”, or “in a couple weeks” well… He’s been saying this for 6 years now! All we have is TODAY people! Just DO IT!

“You may delay, but time will not!” Benjamin Franklin

#2Forgive, Forgive, Forgive- Don’t hold onto stale emotions. We all have memories and feelings that run through us, play in our minds like a broken record, going round and round like a hamster on his wheel – turning even a bit crazy. Be bold and give out your…

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Slightly Bruised, but Thriving!


I fell and bruised my knee. Well, not literally. Allow me to explain. I stepped out of my comfort zone in January and decided to venture out into the dating scene. One of my colleagues coached me through my limiting beliefs about dating, and I found myself open to the idea. I was nervous and excited, but decided that I was going to play full out.

My first lesson was to do the choosing and not merely be chosen. This statement reminds me of a time about 10 years ago when I was very overweight. I had just began to date this guy. We had planned to hang out one Saturday, but had not decided on a specific time to meet up. Being an early riser, I prepared to have my errands completed in order to be free to enjoy the day with him. By midday, I hadn’t heard from him so I called to check-in to make sure we were still on schedule — voicemail. Okay, no problem… I’ll leave a message. I used the 4 hours that had passed to rehearse what I was going to tell him when I saw him – I was really heated! Finally, I received a knock on my door. He shows up on my doorstep as if nothing had happened. Needless to say, I was NOT having it. After all, I had blown most of my day waiting around for him. When he realized that he was no longer welcomed, he left. Later that evening he left me a voicemail. He stated “Fat girls get chosen, they do NOT do the choosing”. Those words couldn’t have stabbed me any deeper!! I still cringe thinking about it. How cruel!!! I was more than bruised by those words, but I pulled myself together and moved forward. I must say that payback is something else because after I loss about 100 pounds he called me and I couldn’t remember who he was. Who is this?? You know me from where??? Oh, that’s right! Next……

Okay, back to the present! So, I decided that I would not just settle for being “chosen”. I would participate fully in this process. After all, I’m a grown woman now. I’m 45, 100 pounds lighter, confident with a strong sense of who I am. I’m good. I’m ready. Right? Well, that was all very true. What I did differently this time, however, was to pray for discernment. I asked for guidance – and I asked God to reveal any signs that a person didn’t have my best interest at heart in a crystal clear manner. I didn’t want to be shrouded by my own desires to connect with someone and overlook what they were truly revealing to me.

I met someone whom I really connected with on different levels. I began to invest my energy and time into developing a relationship. Over time, I have learned to treat my energy and time as I would currency. They are valuable to me and I invest them wisely – they are precious resources. Unfortunately, others may not treat your energy and time with the same care or concern. After experiencing a lack of concern for my time and energy that resulted in me burning through my precious resources (time/energy), I decided that I cared more about myself, my time and energy than this person did and decided to turn the page. It wasn’t a big blow-out or argument. It wasn’t over cheating or lying. It simply came down to this fact: we teach others how to treat us. Every day and in every way, we teach others how to treat us and it is displayed by how we treat ourselves.

Another lesson that I learned is not to be angered by what is revealed to you when, after all, you prayed for discernment. Honestly, I was pissed for about 72 hours, but then I realized that it was a blessing. If you are investing time and energy into someone and making them a priority, but they treat you as an option, it’s time turn the page and begin writing your next chapter.

While taking a shower this morning, I was overcome by gratitude. It washed over me all at once. Thank GOD for answering my prayers! He saved me once again!! So metaphorically, the bruise on my “knee” will heal and I will continue to THRIVE! Thank God for RESILIENCY!!

Getting Back to Center – Authentically


Today was a great day for me.  I kept most of the promises that I made for myself.  I was slightly more determined to do so than I was yesterday.  I spent the morning shopping with my father.  I’m realizing that we have developed a few routines and shopping together is one of them.  The sun was shining so bright and it put us in a really good mood.  After we returned home and put away the groceries, I prepared myself for my Compass Top Earner’s call with our Founder Kim Fulcher.  As I listened to her deliver our training, I felt extra sensitive to her message, as if it had been prepared just for me.  She spoke about giving away your power and being a victim, blaming others for the wrongs in your life and gave tactical advice on how to counteract that type of thinking and behavior.  She said we should embrace the inner victor and to take responsibility for our lives.  She touched on a few other areas as well, but these two in particular really stayed with me.  She always says “What do you want? Now, what are you going to do about it?”.  I started to reflect on this after the call, but then became distracted by some of my other “to-dos”.

A few short hours later, a friend of mine asked me to send her my bio for an upcoming show for which I will be a guest.  In the midst of multi-tasking and listening to the “white noise” I sent her a bio that I knew didn’t truly reflect who I am, but seemed to be more professional.  The soft voice in my head suggested that I not send it, but I listened to the louder voice that said otherwise.  Now, I know we ALL hear voices in our head, right?  I do.  And what I have learned by trial and error is that I should trust the first voice, the softer voice and not the next one that is usually cloaked in fear, hesitation and procrastination.  And, almost without fail, when I follow the instructions of the louder voice the results that it yields are not what I wanted.  I end up saying, “I knew I should have….”.  So, this time was no different.

My phone rang and I am excited to see that it is my girlfriend.  I must admit that she and I have never met face-to-face.  We’ve had an online and telephone friendship for at least 3 years now.  We have connected soul-to-soul, however.  She “sees” me.  Image She loves me, and I her.  This I know for sure.  We begin chatting it up and she shares some really deep and enlightening experiences with me that evokes deep emotions within me.  She then gently asks me to rewrite my bio and share the real “me”.  She called a spade a “spade”.  She saw right through me.  I paused and then explained.  She shared some more of her own personal experiences with me.  I began to cry because it was the release that I needed.  I hadn’t realized that I had gotten off base within myself.  She was bringing me back “home”.  Back to center, back to my nucleus.    It was as if a door had been opened and I was able to see “me”.  The authentic me.  I really needed to return back to this place so that I could remember, relate and celebrate the uniqueness that lies within me.  I don’t have to “BE” anything other than the truly authentic woman who I am.  The woman who is in touch with my past, but who is perfectly present.

I thank God for placing key people in my life who can help guide me back toward my path when I stumble off course.  That is truly a blessing and a miracle in today’s world where people are so caught up in the competition of friendships and embracing “the haters” as if it gives them some type of credibility.  I am simply humbled by the fact that I have people who love me so dearly that they will pull my coat-tail and say “hey, come back to yourself”.  The training that I received earlier in the day about embracing your inner victor, coupled with the exchange between myself and Heidi (that’s the girlfriend) really moved me today.  It reminds me of a saying by Susan Taylor “Give yourself to yourself before you give yourself away.”



The Story of the Butterfly


A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole. Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily but it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it, expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge and expand enough to support the body. Neither happened! In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand: The restricting cocoon and the struggle required by the butterfly to get through the opening was a way of forcing the fluid from the body into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us. We will not be as strong as we could have been and we would never fly.

PHENOMENAL TOTALPackage™ Women’s Forum Call


I am not often at a loss for words, but at this very moment, I am. I ask that you listen to the playback for this morning’s call and you will understand. Mr. Simon T. Bailey was our featured speaker and he ministered to my heart and soul. Listen for yourself. Take the information, and as he suggests, upload it to your heart-drive!

Dial in to listen: 712-432-1085 (PIN 333220#)

Reflecting on the beginning of a friendship…


I am celebrating my friendship with a very special person! I wanted to share this with all of you today! Enjoy!
Celebrating Friendships!

The Master Cleanse Journey – Embracing a new way of thinking!


I recently decided to perform a Master Cleanse. I hadn’t contemplated doing it before I saw a Facebook posting from a friend. She termed it the “Beyonce Diet”. At any rate, it caught my attention. As I began to read the postings of women who listed their reasons for participating, I decided that I would join in as well. I had heard of the Master Cleanse years ago, and know of people who have began, but never completed the program. I quickly went to Google to do some research.


What is a Master Cleanse?

The Master Cleanse is a Detox Diet. It is a simple program. First, squeeze Fresh Lemon Juice, then add Grade B Rich Maple Syrup, and Cayenne Pepper into Pure Water. Drink a minimum of six to twelve glasses throughout the day whenever one is hungry. Take a laxative, morning and evening; or instead of the morning laxative, you can do the Salt Water Flush. According to the information I read, every day of The Master Cleanse that you overcome the psychological need to eat, you feel a growing sense of control that motivates you to complete the process.

Why Now?

Honestly, for the last 8 months I have been “getting ready to get ready” to make healthier eating choices and to consistently engage in physical activity, but I kept falling short. My excuses where bigger than my desire to start and complete any program. However, the day I tried on 5 outfits and none of them fit like the last time I had worn them was a major blow to my self esteem. It was like a cloud that followed me everywhere I went. The feeling of being overweight again and physically out of energy was beginning to really get to me.

What is My Truth?

What I know to be true for me when it comes to gaining and losing weight is this: weight gain is a symptom of greater issues going on behind the scenes in my life. Weight loss is an indication that I am taking better care of myself, eating healthier and exercising. Maintaining a healthy weight and exercise regimen is a sign of my commitment to living and working at optimal performance. I have to choose to eat wisely and not allow my emotions to fuel my drive toward food.

The group of women whom I have chosen to join in the Master Cleanse pursuit are from all walks of life and geography. There’s a lot of funny stories and encouragement being delivered and it makes me feel good to know that I have support and to feel the collective positive energy. My goal is to complete 10 days of the Master Cleanse. That’s 3 days longer than the group has decided. I know I can do it because I am a post-op gastric bypass patient – February 3, 2003. After my surgery, I was on liquids for about 4 weeks before I transitioned to soft foods like yogurt and egg salad. Another benefit of this cleanse is that it will reset my pouch, and return my control over cravings. The gastric bypass surgery worked really well for me because I worked “it” I changed my eating habits and exercised consistently. That dedication yielded me a 140 pound loss.

Lessons Learned

After losing 140 pounds and regaining 40, I have been reminded of the consequences of making poor eating choices combined with a sedentary lifestyle, which also included unhealthy relationships with people. I am reminded of the promise I made to God while on the operating table that if I lived through the surgery, I wouldn’t allow myself to return to that state of living again. And, I won’t!

As I move through Day 1 of this cleanse, I thank God for allowing me yet another opportunity to honor my temple. I have severed a few unhealthy relationships and this is the next step in living healthier. And as I experience the cravings and desires for food, I will lean in that much closer to Jesus. 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

“I Just HAD to Open My Big Fat Blog” – End of Summer Edition!


It has been a few months since my last Blog. I have had a wonderful summer and I wanted to share my experiences and life lessons. Wow! Where do I begin. I will rewind my mental tape. For me, summertime doesn’t begin with the “official” beginning of summer. It begins with the “feeling” of summer time for me. I am a warm weather lover. I have always loved the rays of the sun and it’s effect on my body. Mentally, I feel better, more energetic and I absolutely love the heat. I love the golden brown tone that my body takes on from basking in the sun from driving with the sunroof open or sunbathing at the pool, which I did quite a bit of this year. I love lying out at the pool, looking at the beautiful blue water and floating on my back as I soak in the sun’s rays. Yes, I use sunscreen, however, I am in love with the sun’s ability to toast the skin.

I think back to when I was about 9 or 10 years old, lying in my backyard, looking up at the clouds as I allowed the sun to bake my young body. I was the fairest child of 3 siblings who were a bit darker than me. And, my best friend at the time was the same complexion as me. She and I would lie in my back yard, bath our bodies in Johnson’s baby oil and sunbake. We would look at the clouds and make out images of animals and people. Soaking in the sun and allowing our imaginations to take us to places that were beyond our current circumstances. We would discuss the colleges we would attend, the life we would have and all of things we would accomplish. Childhood dreams, right?

Well, it has been over 30 years since then and I still imagine the lifestyle that I want. The difference between then and now is that I have been using the knowledge and resources that I have acquired, as well as my tenacity to bring many of those dreams to fruition. I have since learned that the difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline. I have met many of my goals. And, I still have dreams that are yet to be realized.

I am more alive in the warmer months when the sun is shining. The winter months are more of a challenge for me. Cleveland isn’t the easiest city for which to reside during the fall and winter months because of the low cloud ceiling, the cold temperatures, and the snow. I have to plug into my dreams and goals in a deeper way during those months because of my dependence on the sun. I have to dig deeper, be prayerful and push myself beyond my comfort zone in order to drive harder toward my goals and dreams to have them blossom, regardless of the season.

One realization for me over this last year has been that as I help others to realize their own dreams and goals, it brings me closer to my own. Last November at a spa party that I co-hosted, I asked everyone to write 5 things down on a sheet of paper then place it in a self-addressed envelop and then to return them to me. I handed them over to Carlean, my party co-host. She mailed the letter to each person 8 months later. I received my in June. Honestly, I had forgotten exactly what I placed on that sheet of paper. When I reviewed my list, I had only accomplished 1 out of 5 items. Since then, I have accomplished 1 additional item and I am in the process of completing one more. Each accomplishment was met because I have helped someone else to accomplish their goals. It’s amazing how the process works.

The most pivotal point of the last 6 to 8 months had to be when I passed a series of financial tests by applying what I have learned from my Life Coach Lynn Richardson, the author of Living Beyond Check to Monday: A Spiritual Path to Wealth and Prosperity. Her guidance and coaching helped me to overcome a history of financial mismanagement and rewarded me with financial maturity and security.

As the summer began to wind down, I enjoyed more time with my family and friends. I also enjoyed my experience as a Christian Group Counselor during a teen spiritual camping trip. I also applied for an entrepreneurial accelerator, but was not chosen. It was disappointing, but going through the process has positioned me to move farther along in my business. I sum up the Summer of 2011 as one of my best! Now that I am in the 4th quarter of the year, I am set to finish out the year with a BANG! I am currently in coach training school, have recommitted myself to my health and wellness goals, and look forward to my trip to Nashville on October 20-23 where I will love on, and get love from my Compass sisters and brothers. Life is definitely worth LIVING and I can say that I truly PLAYED FULL OUT over the summer! Now, I am ready and set to go through the last few months of 2011.

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