I remember that little girl…


It’s been quite a while since I last wrote an entry.  I decided today was the day to share some of my self reflections.  It’s almost like a poem, but not really.   It’s the only way I could share my story so bare with me…

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When I was a little girl

I had such a small voice that never seemed to be heard
too afraid to yell or tell
because her threats were very persuasive
and the reason why I tried to be evasive
whenever I was in her presence
because she was stealing a child’s innocence
never once did she stop to think
how that would affect me years later
and oh, how I tried not to hate her

And He liked to touch me, too
every chance he got
a massage to my shoulder
a caress to my thigh
as a developing young girl
I never understood why
my body had begun to deceive me
I was still a child, couldn’t they see?
but my body swelled in areas that seemed to attract
hands and fingers from her, him and them and I could not keep them back
But why?!?
what had I done and how could I make them stop?
my mind had yet to catch up to my growing body
often I cried and asked why me

my legs where shapely and athletic, bronzed from playing in the sun
jumping rope, playing kickball or whatever was fun

my hips and breasts were becoming firm and round
resembling that of a grown woman
but, I was only nine, ten and eleven

yet, the seeds had been planted
and each new experience would only fertilize the grounds
that allowed me to question my morality
and for which I had once based my sexuality

However, on this day I confess what I have only disclosed to a few
I will no longer be held in bondage for today I start anew!

Thank you, Lord, I have forgiven them: she and he

I am tortured no longer, finally, I have been set FREE!!!

ilovemyself

The Unsung Goddess Episode featuring Dyuanna Mebane Part 2 04/18 by The Unsung Goddess | Blog Talk Radio

Slightly Bruised, but Thriving!


I fell and bruised my knee. Well, not literally. Allow me to explain. I stepped out of my comfort zone in January and decided to venture out into the dating scene. One of my colleagues coached me through my limiting beliefs about dating, and I found myself open to the idea. I was nervous and excited, but decided that I was going to play full out.

My first lesson was to do the choosing and not merely be chosen. This statement reminds me of a time about 10 years ago when I was very overweight. I had just began to date this guy. We had planned to hang out one Saturday, but had not decided on a specific time to meet up. Being an early riser, I prepared to have my errands completed in order to be free to enjoy the day with him. By midday, I hadn’t heard from him so I called to check-in to make sure we were still on schedule — voicemail. Okay, no problem… I’ll leave a message. I used the 4 hours that had passed to rehearse what I was going to tell him when I saw him – I was really heated! Finally, I received a knock on my door. He shows up on my doorstep as if nothing had happened. Needless to say, I was NOT having it. After all, I had blown most of my day waiting around for him. When he realized that he was no longer welcomed, he left. Later that evening he left me a voicemail. He stated “Fat girls get chosen, they do NOT do the choosing”. Those words couldn’t have stabbed me any deeper!! I still cringe thinking about it. How cruel!!! I was more than bruised by those words, but I pulled myself together and moved forward. I must say that payback is something else because after I loss about 100 pounds he called me and I couldn’t remember who he was. Who is this?? You know me from where??? Oh, that’s right! Next……

Okay, back to the present! So, I decided that I would not just settle for being “chosen”. I would participate fully in this process. After all, I’m a grown woman now. I’m 45, 100 pounds lighter, confident with a strong sense of who I am. I’m good. I’m ready. Right? Well, that was all very true. What I did differently this time, however, was to pray for discernment. I asked for guidance – and I asked God to reveal any signs that a person didn’t have my best interest at heart in a crystal clear manner. I didn’t want to be shrouded by my own desires to connect with someone and overlook what they were truly revealing to me.

I met someone whom I really connected with on different levels. I began to invest my energy and time into developing a relationship. Over time, I have learned to treat my energy and time as I would currency. They are valuable to me and I invest them wisely – they are precious resources. Unfortunately, others may not treat your energy and time with the same care or concern. After experiencing a lack of concern for my time and energy that resulted in me burning through my precious resources (time/energy), I decided that I cared more about myself, my time and energy than this person did and decided to turn the page. It wasn’t a big blow-out or argument. It wasn’t over cheating or lying. It simply came down to this fact: we teach others how to treat us. Every day and in every way, we teach others how to treat us and it is displayed by how we treat ourselves.

Another lesson that I learned is not to be angered by what is revealed to you when, after all, you prayed for discernment. Honestly, I was pissed for about 72 hours, but then I realized that it was a blessing. If you are investing time and energy into someone and making them a priority, but they treat you as an option, it’s time turn the page and begin writing your next chapter.

While taking a shower this morning, I was overcome by gratitude. It washed over me all at once. Thank GOD for answering my prayers! He saved me once again!! So metaphorically, the bruise on my “knee” will heal and I will continue to THRIVE! Thank God for RESILIENCY!!

The Master Cleanse Journey – Embracing a new way of thinking!


I recently decided to perform a Master Cleanse. I hadn’t contemplated doing it before I saw a Facebook posting from a friend. She termed it the “Beyonce Diet”. At any rate, it caught my attention. As I began to read the postings of women who listed their reasons for participating, I decided that I would join in as well. I had heard of the Master Cleanse years ago, and know of people who have began, but never completed the program. I quickly went to Google to do some research.


What is a Master Cleanse?

The Master Cleanse is a Detox Diet. It is a simple program. First, squeeze Fresh Lemon Juice, then add Grade B Rich Maple Syrup, and Cayenne Pepper into Pure Water. Drink a minimum of six to twelve glasses throughout the day whenever one is hungry. Take a laxative, morning and evening; or instead of the morning laxative, you can do the Salt Water Flush. According to the information I read, every day of The Master Cleanse that you overcome the psychological need to eat, you feel a growing sense of control that motivates you to complete the process.

Why Now?

Honestly, for the last 8 months I have been “getting ready to get ready” to make healthier eating choices and to consistently engage in physical activity, but I kept falling short. My excuses where bigger than my desire to start and complete any program. However, the day I tried on 5 outfits and none of them fit like the last time I had worn them was a major blow to my self esteem. It was like a cloud that followed me everywhere I went. The feeling of being overweight again and physically out of energy was beginning to really get to me.

What is My Truth?

What I know to be true for me when it comes to gaining and losing weight is this: weight gain is a symptom of greater issues going on behind the scenes in my life. Weight loss is an indication that I am taking better care of myself, eating healthier and exercising. Maintaining a healthy weight and exercise regimen is a sign of my commitment to living and working at optimal performance. I have to choose to eat wisely and not allow my emotions to fuel my drive toward food.

The group of women whom I have chosen to join in the Master Cleanse pursuit are from all walks of life and geography. There’s a lot of funny stories and encouragement being delivered and it makes me feel good to know that I have support and to feel the collective positive energy. My goal is to complete 10 days of the Master Cleanse. That’s 3 days longer than the group has decided. I know I can do it because I am a post-op gastric bypass patient – February 3, 2003. After my surgery, I was on liquids for about 4 weeks before I transitioned to soft foods like yogurt and egg salad. Another benefit of this cleanse is that it will reset my pouch, and return my control over cravings. The gastric bypass surgery worked really well for me because I worked “it” I changed my eating habits and exercised consistently. That dedication yielded me a 140 pound loss.

Lessons Learned

After losing 140 pounds and regaining 40, I have been reminded of the consequences of making poor eating choices combined with a sedentary lifestyle, which also included unhealthy relationships with people. I am reminded of the promise I made to God while on the operating table that if I lived through the surgery, I wouldn’t allow myself to return to that state of living again. And, I won’t!

As I move through Day 1 of this cleanse, I thank God for allowing me yet another opportunity to honor my temple. I have severed a few unhealthy relationships and this is the next step in living healthier. And as I experience the cravings and desires for food, I will lean in that much closer to Jesus. 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

“I Just HAD to Open My Big Fat Blog” – End of Summer Edition!


It has been a few months since my last Blog. I have had a wonderful summer and I wanted to share my experiences and life lessons. Wow! Where do I begin. I will rewind my mental tape. For me, summertime doesn’t begin with the “official” beginning of summer. It begins with the “feeling” of summer time for me. I am a warm weather lover. I have always loved the rays of the sun and it’s effect on my body. Mentally, I feel better, more energetic and I absolutely love the heat. I love the golden brown tone that my body takes on from basking in the sun from driving with the sunroof open or sunbathing at the pool, which I did quite a bit of this year. I love lying out at the pool, looking at the beautiful blue water and floating on my back as I soak in the sun’s rays. Yes, I use sunscreen, however, I am in love with the sun’s ability to toast the skin.

I think back to when I was about 9 or 10 years old, lying in my backyard, looking up at the clouds as I allowed the sun to bake my young body. I was the fairest child of 3 siblings who were a bit darker than me. And, my best friend at the time was the same complexion as me. She and I would lie in my back yard, bath our bodies in Johnson’s baby oil and sunbake. We would look at the clouds and make out images of animals and people. Soaking in the sun and allowing our imaginations to take us to places that were beyond our current circumstances. We would discuss the colleges we would attend, the life we would have and all of things we would accomplish. Childhood dreams, right?

Well, it has been over 30 years since then and I still imagine the lifestyle that I want. The difference between then and now is that I have been using the knowledge and resources that I have acquired, as well as my tenacity to bring many of those dreams to fruition. I have since learned that the difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline. I have met many of my goals. And, I still have dreams that are yet to be realized.

I am more alive in the warmer months when the sun is shining. The winter months are more of a challenge for me. Cleveland isn’t the easiest city for which to reside during the fall and winter months because of the low cloud ceiling, the cold temperatures, and the snow. I have to plug into my dreams and goals in a deeper way during those months because of my dependence on the sun. I have to dig deeper, be prayerful and push myself beyond my comfort zone in order to drive harder toward my goals and dreams to have them blossom, regardless of the season.

One realization for me over this last year has been that as I help others to realize their own dreams and goals, it brings me closer to my own. Last November at a spa party that I co-hosted, I asked everyone to write 5 things down on a sheet of paper then place it in a self-addressed envelop and then to return them to me. I handed them over to Carlean, my party co-host. She mailed the letter to each person 8 months later. I received my in June. Honestly, I had forgotten exactly what I placed on that sheet of paper. When I reviewed my list, I had only accomplished 1 out of 5 items. Since then, I have accomplished 1 additional item and I am in the process of completing one more. Each accomplishment was met because I have helped someone else to accomplish their goals. It’s amazing how the process works.

The most pivotal point of the last 6 to 8 months had to be when I passed a series of financial tests by applying what I have learned from my Life Coach Lynn Richardson, the author of Living Beyond Check to Monday: A Spiritual Path to Wealth and Prosperity. Her guidance and coaching helped me to overcome a history of financial mismanagement and rewarded me with financial maturity and security.

As the summer began to wind down, I enjoyed more time with my family and friends. I also enjoyed my experience as a Christian Group Counselor during a teen spiritual camping trip. I also applied for an entrepreneurial accelerator, but was not chosen. It was disappointing, but going through the process has positioned me to move farther along in my business. I sum up the Summer of 2011 as one of my best! Now that I am in the 4th quarter of the year, I am set to finish out the year with a BANG! I am currently in coach training school, have recommitted myself to my health and wellness goals, and look forward to my trip to Nashville on October 20-23 where I will love on, and get love from my Compass sisters and brothers. Life is definitely worth LIVING and I can say that I truly PLAYED FULL OUT over the summer! Now, I am ready and set to go through the last few months of 2011.

“Enjoy the Journey… right where you are”


Well, it’s been a little while since I sat down to blog and I’m really feeling the need to share. I am feeling so grateful right now. I’m truly living in the present and it feels so good! This type of living requires you to be plugged in spiritually. And, I mean fully plugged into The Energy Source. When I am “plugged in” the rush of energy that I receive from the Most High is incredible, I have more clarity, I have more humility, and I am most useful to others. I am Present. I can reflect on my past, pray for guidance in creating my future, and walk more confidently by faith.

When you cease playing the procrastination game your world opens up to you – it expands. 2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV “For we live by faith, not by sight.” I am committed to staying in forward motion, refusing to believe what the circumstances may suggest. I am a witness that miracles and blessings are intertwined and still occur in everyday life, regardless of what your eyes are showing you. Even if the circumstances have been self-inflicted, God loves us so much that He can and will still bring you through any situation. I can think of many instances where I had inflicted negativity upon myself. Being somewhere I shouldn’t have been, having negative energy in my circle and doing nothing about it but complaining, making decisions that I knew would reap a negative outcome. I could go on and on, but my point is this… I am here, stand corrected and continue to move forward.

“Thought is cause: experience is effect. If you don’t like the effects in your life, you have to change the nature of your thinking.” – Marianne Williamson. How powerful is that saying? It’s very real, too. Changing my thinking has definitely changed the effects in my life. And, if and when I resort back to my old habits and thinking, guess what? The same negative effects manifest in my life. I’d rather not live that way any longer so I purge my thoughts of negativity daily, heck, some times hourly!

I remember as a young girl searching for and living for my Destiny! I have since realized that the journey is far more exciting, empowering and worth the effort than the arrival of your destiny. I believe that being present in the moment while enjoying the journey is my destiny. I am here, in the now, and that is truly a blessing! I am learning to enjoy being a better servant to the Universe. It’s not always easy, fun and immediately rewarded, but the return of the energy flow is always a constant and always a blessing. I pray that whoever reads this posting will stop and think about where you are in your journey. Are you enjoying the journey… right where you are?

Fire Alarms and Horror Movies


Lately, I have become more attuned to listening to the soft voice of my spirit.  Do you listen to that voice?  The one that whispers an idea, a warning, a gentle nudge forward.  The one you hear just before that LOUD and OBNOXIOUS voice SCREAMS and says NO, WAIT, UH OH YOU CAN’T.  It’s the voice of doubt and hesitation with its cousins chiming in signing the chorus of FEAR!  We have become accustomed to  listening to the loudest voices we hear and following suit with their instructions.  Most times we end up with regret and say something like “I KNEW I should have just…” or “I KNEW I shouldn’t have…”  When that happens, why do we continue to listen to that voice?

If you are sitting in your office at your place of employment and the fire alarm goes off do you get up and look for the source of the fire?  Do you walk around hoping to smell smoke or see a flame before you evacuate the premises? Or, is the sound of the alarm enough to suggest to you “exit the building… NOW!”  Have you seen a horror flick where a woman might be walking home at night, decides to take the scenic route through the woods, hears the crack of a branch behind her then turns around and asks “Who’s there?”  She proceeds to walk in the direction of the sound and well… I think you know what happens to her, right?  You are sitting in the chair screaming “RUN GIRL GET OUT OF THERE!!!”

I believe that the first voice you hear is your soft “alarm”.  Not necessarily only warning you of danger, but also guiding you along your journey toward your purpose.  I believe it is the voice of God whispering and guiding you.  The more “still” you become, the clearer and louder the voice becomes to you.  If you believe that you are a child of God and that He has unconditional love for you then you will begin to trust that He will guide you in the direction in which you should go.  If you are always talking,  moving and listening to the tones of chaos how can you listen for His guidance? 

I am practicing my listen skills.  I am learning more about the Creator so that I am able to understand how He works and moves in my life.  I simply refuse to take the scenic route through the  woods, following those cracking sounds of braking branches that ultimately lead to my demise.   I am still, asking for guidance, listening, receiving and following the Light.

I Just Had to Open My Big Fat Blog….Again!


Okay, so it’s been a little while since I posted about my Health/Fitness journey.  And, there is a very good reason for the delay.  Would you like to read about it? Well, here it is…….

I am challenged with maintaining multiple balls in the air, consistently.  That’s always been true for me.  However, I am always working on and looking for ways to improve myself.  If my heart is devoted to one or two areas in my life, I’m all in, but some of my other loves may be neglected.  As is the case with my health/fitness journey.  I didn’t fall completely off the wagon, but it had taken a back seat.  I was experiencing some unhappiness in other areas of my life and I began consoling myself with my favorite drug — food.  Then there were the holidays, the after the holiday treats, the “snowstorm oh well I’ll hibernate” eating… ugh!  Can I say that I have an intense dislike for the winter months in Ohio as well? 

As is typical for me, I am now beginning to feel the budding of spring time and there is a stirring in my belly.  Couple that with a more flexible schedule since I am finally full-time self-employed and I feel excited by the possibilities.  Needless to say I am a warm weather baby, although I was born in November.  I have never fully embraced the winter season because I feel like I am somehow imprisoned.   I know that this is a state of mind, but still…  When it’s cold outside, but sunny, mentally I feel better.  However, when it’s cold, gray and 12″ of snow waiting for me outside my door AND I have to drive to work in those conditions, I feel imprisoned and a bit depressed.

Well, I have decided not to fret, but to act.  I am taking steps each day to add one more healthy act to my regimen.  Just one, not two.  This way I won’t feel overwhelmed.  Drink that additional 16oz. of water, choose whipped cauliflower over whipped potatoes, use no sweetener at all, etc.  And, when we finally have warmer temperatures, I will begin biking again, walking outdoors and naturally eating less because that’s what I always do.  It’s nice to fine tune my behaviors while recognizing and promoting my positive health/fitness patterns.  I don’t have to overhaul everything I do at once, just fine tune some areas. 

Above all, the single most important thing I will continue to do without fail is — Love Myself No Matter What!  I am so grateful that I am able to love myself more today than when I was 20.  So many years of self loathing really could have done a job on my future, but I refuse to allow my past to dictate my future.

A friend of mine said to me yesterday and I concur, the confidence that one experiences from personal development is the Ultimate Sexy!  Loving yourself from the inside out will allow others to be attracted to the authentically Sexy You!

Wishful thinking….


For all of us, there comes a time when we must turn the page and begin writing the next chapter in our lives.  I am at this point in my life, again.  You’ve heard the saying “Be careful what you wish for”, right?  Why? “Because you just might get it”.  Well, I can honestly say that I received what I secretly wished for and now I must take full advantage of the opportunity.   I know that this is one of those “Use Your Buckets” moments in my life.  I also understand and accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time in my life.  I know that I was made for such a time as this.  Therefore, I will not fear failure or success.  I know that I am not alone in experiencing either; both are stepping-stones on my life’s journey.

I will get out of my own way and walk into my purpose.  I was born a Servant Leader and I understand that when I touch someone else, God touches me in return.  When you begin to understand your purpose in life, embrace it.  It might feel like the shoes are too big for you to fill, but remember that you already possess all that is necessary to fulfill your mission.  You must be courageous in your pursuit because self-doubt and the doubts of others will present obstacles.

So what will I do now that I have time on my hands? I will anticipate with faith what lies ahead.  All my experiences carry me forward to fulfill my purpose in life.  I will remind myself daily of  the following affirmation: I have a perfect work in a perfect way; I give a perfect service for perfect pay.  I will focus on my first wealth — my health.  I will refine my 3-month and 6-month plans. And, I will be ever-present during this experience.  I will not look back, I follow my plan and live in the moment.

The Master in the art of living makes little distinction between her work and her play, her labor and her leisure, her mind and her body, her information and her recreation, her life and her religion.  She hardly knows which is which.  She simply pursues her vision of excellence at whatever she does, leaving others to decide whether she is working or playing.  To her she’s always doing both.

What is it worth to you?


I am my single most important investment.  It has taken me years to completely embrace this idea.  I spent many years investing in my outward appearance.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that it isn’t important to be presentable and dress nicely.  After all, your first impression is what people see.  What I am saying, however, is that it is as important, dare if I say more important to invest in yourself as it relates to your authentic self, and nurturing your spiritual and personal growth.  As I pondered my thoughts while writing this, I had to consider what I deemed important at different stages of my life.  A nice purse, a sexy pair of shoes, my nails and hair immaculate, of course.  Whether I could afford the “real” thing or not, it would “look” as if I could.  Let’s consider these next few items…


This could easily be an investment of $349 for this Coach purse.


This investment is approximately $870 – Louis Vuitton Marbella shoes.

 


A decent Mani/Pedi is about $70.

 


Weaves, well they can cost upwards of $1,000 or more!

Investing in yourself is P•R•I•C•E•L•E•S•S!

 

How do you invest in yourself?  Well, I invest in myself by purchasing books that expand my base of knowledge, challenge me and enlighten me.  I attend conferences and seminars that will enrich my life experience, my business or my skill set.  I have more recently invested in a monthly coaching program.  I also invest in myself by making sure I have the kind of people I respect, admire and can learn from are in my inner AND outer circle.  Another way to invest in yourself is by listening more and talking less.  This is a freebie! Lastly, I invest in my spiritual development.  I have a spiritual family that includes my church family as well as those friends who are pursuing their spirituality in other forms.  I participate in spiritual activities and surround myself with spiritual people whenever I can.

When you begin to invest as much money and time IN yourself as you spend ON yourself you are well on your way to becoming a total package.  What is it worth to you to invest in yourself?

On March 1st, my Compass business will offer a new MAP (monthly action plan) that will be an amazing experience for those who decide to join me and hundreds of other ladies.  “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up:40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth” by Dr. Iyanla Vanzant, the bestselling author of Acts of Faith and In The Meantime.  “One Day…” has been broken down into 3 months of 2 to 3-minute daily online coaching sessions, 5 days a week.

I extend the offer to every woman who finds herself reading this blog post to invest in the next 90-days of your life by joining me for this MAP.  The experience will be priceless!

If you are curious about the contents of this book, take a sneak peek here.  If you are ready to enter your Soul, sign up here.

Now, buckle-up and hold on tight!!

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