I remember that little girl…


It’s been quite a while since I last wrote an entry.  I decided today was the day to share some of my self reflections.  It’s almost like a poem, but not really.   It’s the only way I could share my story so bare with me…

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When I was a little girl

I had such a small voice that never seemed to be heard
too afraid to yell or tell
because her threats were very persuasive
and the reason why I tried to be evasive
whenever I was in her presence
because she was stealing a child’s innocence
never once did she stop to think
how that would affect me years later
and oh, how I tried not to hate her

And He liked to touch me, too
every chance he got
a massage to my shoulder
a caress to my thigh
as a developing young girl
I never understood why
my body had begun to deceive me
I was still a child, couldn’t they see?
but my body swelled in areas that seemed to attract
hands and fingers from her, him and them and I could not keep them back
But why?!?
what had I done and how could I make them stop?
my mind had yet to catch up to my growing body
often I cried and asked why me

my legs where shapely and athletic, bronzed from playing in the sun
jumping rope, playing kickball or whatever was fun

my hips and breasts were becoming firm and round
resembling that of a grown woman
but, I was only nine, ten and eleven

yet, the seeds had been planted
and each new experience would only fertilize the grounds
that allowed me to question my morality
and for which I had once based my sexuality

However, on this day I confess what I have only disclosed to a few
I will no longer be held in bondage for today I start anew!

Thank you, Lord, I have forgiven them: she and he

I am tortured no longer, finally, I have been set FREE!!!

ilovemyself

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Slightly Bruised, but Thriving!


I fell and bruised my knee. Well, not literally. Allow me to explain. I stepped out of my comfort zone in January and decided to venture out into the dating scene. One of my colleagues coached me through my limiting beliefs about dating, and I found myself open to the idea. I was nervous and excited, but decided that I was going to play full out.

My first lesson was to do the choosing and not merely be chosen. This statement reminds me of a time about 10 years ago when I was very overweight. I had just began to date this guy. We had planned to hang out one Saturday, but had not decided on a specific time to meet up. Being an early riser, I prepared to have my errands completed in order to be free to enjoy the day with him. By midday, I hadn’t heard from him so I called to check-in to make sure we were still on schedule — voicemail. Okay, no problem… I’ll leave a message. I used the 4 hours that had passed to rehearse what I was going to tell him when I saw him – I was really heated! Finally, I received a knock on my door. He shows up on my doorstep as if nothing had happened. Needless to say, I was NOT having it. After all, I had blown most of my day waiting around for him. When he realized that he was no longer welcomed, he left. Later that evening he left me a voicemail. He stated “Fat girls get chosen, they do NOT do the choosing”. Those words couldn’t have stabbed me any deeper!! I still cringe thinking about it. How cruel!!! I was more than bruised by those words, but I pulled myself together and moved forward. I must say that payback is something else because after I loss about 100 pounds he called me and I couldn’t remember who he was. Who is this?? You know me from where??? Oh, that’s right! Next……

Okay, back to the present! So, I decided that I would not just settle for being “chosen”. I would participate fully in this process. After all, I’m a grown woman now. I’m 45, 100 pounds lighter, confident with a strong sense of who I am. I’m good. I’m ready. Right? Well, that was all very true. What I did differently this time, however, was to pray for discernment. I asked for guidance – and I asked God to reveal any signs that a person didn’t have my best interest at heart in a crystal clear manner. I didn’t want to be shrouded by my own desires to connect with someone and overlook what they were truly revealing to me.

I met someone whom I really connected with on different levels. I began to invest my energy and time into developing a relationship. Over time, I have learned to treat my energy and time as I would currency. They are valuable to me and I invest them wisely – they are precious resources. Unfortunately, others may not treat your energy and time with the same care or concern. After experiencing a lack of concern for my time and energy that resulted in me burning through my precious resources (time/energy), I decided that I cared more about myself, my time and energy than this person did and decided to turn the page. It wasn’t a big blow-out or argument. It wasn’t over cheating or lying. It simply came down to this fact: we teach others how to treat us. Every day and in every way, we teach others how to treat us and it is displayed by how we treat ourselves.

Another lesson that I learned is not to be angered by what is revealed to you when, after all, you prayed for discernment. Honestly, I was pissed for about 72 hours, but then I realized that it was a blessing. If you are investing time and energy into someone and making them a priority, but they treat you as an option, it’s time turn the page and begin writing your next chapter.

While taking a shower this morning, I was overcome by gratitude. It washed over me all at once. Thank GOD for answering my prayers! He saved me once again!! So metaphorically, the bruise on my “knee” will heal and I will continue to THRIVE! Thank God for RESILIENCY!!

What is it worth to you?


I am my single most important investment.  It has taken me years to completely embrace this idea.  I spent many years investing in my outward appearance.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that it isn’t important to be presentable and dress nicely.  After all, your first impression is what people see.  What I am saying, however, is that it is as important, dare if I say more important to invest in yourself as it relates to your authentic self, and nurturing your spiritual and personal growth.  As I pondered my thoughts while writing this, I had to consider what I deemed important at different stages of my life.  A nice purse, a sexy pair of shoes, my nails and hair immaculate, of course.  Whether I could afford the “real” thing or not, it would “look” as if I could.  Let’s consider these next few items…


This could easily be an investment of $349 for this Coach purse.


This investment is approximately $870 – Louis Vuitton Marbella shoes.

 


A decent Mani/Pedi is about $70.

 


Weaves, well they can cost upwards of $1,000 or more!

Investing in yourself is P•R•I•C•E•L•E•S•S!

 

How do you invest in yourself?  Well, I invest in myself by purchasing books that expand my base of knowledge, challenge me and enlighten me.  I attend conferences and seminars that will enrich my life experience, my business or my skill set.  I have more recently invested in a monthly coaching program.  I also invest in myself by making sure I have the kind of people I respect, admire and can learn from are in my inner AND outer circle.  Another way to invest in yourself is by listening more and talking less.  This is a freebie! Lastly, I invest in my spiritual development.  I have a spiritual family that includes my church family as well as those friends who are pursuing their spirituality in other forms.  I participate in spiritual activities and surround myself with spiritual people whenever I can.

When you begin to invest as much money and time IN yourself as you spend ON yourself you are well on your way to becoming a total package.  What is it worth to you to invest in yourself?

On March 1st, my Compass business will offer a new MAP (monthly action plan) that will be an amazing experience for those who decide to join me and hundreds of other ladies.  “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up:40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth” by Dr. Iyanla Vanzant, the bestselling author of Acts of Faith and In The Meantime.  “One Day…” has been broken down into 3 months of 2 to 3-minute daily online coaching sessions, 5 days a week.

I extend the offer to every woman who finds herself reading this blog post to invest in the next 90-days of your life by joining me for this MAP.  The experience will be priceless!

If you are curious about the contents of this book, take a sneak peek here.  If you are ready to enter your Soul, sign up here.

Now, buckle-up and hold on tight!!

Desire/Opportunity/Purpose/COMPASS


For many years, my desire has been to help women to transform themselves and the world around them.  I was not always crystal clear on the exact formula to accomplish this, but I did understand that it all began on the inside.  I have always been in touch with my inner-self although not always in a positive way.  I remember how I would retreat inwardly to scold myself or to place myself on punishment, and verbally abuse myself.  Almost like a parent abusing a child behind closed doors, but having the appearance of a happy family in public.  That would describe how I treated myself for many years. 

What I began to realize is that my outward appearance didn’t match how I truly felt on the inside, and people were beginning to figure that out.  You see, no matter what a person appears to be on the outside, you can almost always tell how they really feel about themselves when you talk with them.  For instance, if you compliment them on their dress or appearance, you will almost always receive a negative response that deflects the positive compliment.  In other words, they are not able to receive compliments.  When a person feels good about themselves they simply reply ‘Thank You’. 

As the abused child began to show up more and more in my conversations and behavior, I became more frustrated because I only wanted to show the strong, confident and savvy woman who I aspired to become.  I was in serious conflict and I needed to do something about this and fast!

Naturally, I went to a few bookstores and bought a few self-help books with the understanding that once I read the book I would be fixed. Wrong!  It didn’t work like that for me because as I read the information, I analyzed it and counseled myself.  I didn’t have a third-party assist me or correct misinterpretations of the information I may have read, so the problem thinking only improved incrementally.   I did this over and over again, expecting that each book would be like a magic wand and make all of my problems disappear. Wrong again!  I made very small steps forward, but still there was progression and my desire to help other women on grew.

As I bounced back from strife and situations I began to see that I had been gifted with a resilient nature.  I also believe that my mother instilled that and encouraged me in that way as well.  I realized that if I continued to get back up off the ground, retreat  inward and work on “ME”, that I would improve myself and my life even if it was only gradually.  As I matured and became aware of therapy I sought out that type of help through counseling, but I quickly realized that it was very expensive.  That adventure didn’t last long, and I went back to what I knew best.  Books!

Now, 15 plus years later, I am still here.  I didn’t “check out” like I wanted to do on several occasions.  I am still here.  I kept getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.  I am still here.  My desire to help women continues and has long since been put into motion.  I am still here.  I know without a doubt what my Purpose is in life.  I am still here.  I now have the perfect Opportunity that is allowing me to fulfill my Purpose.  I am still here.  And now I have COMPASS as my guide.  And, yes, I believe that is one reason why I am still here.

Compass is a personal development company committed to improving the lives of women through affordable coaching programs and services.  It was Founded by Kimberly Fulcher in 2002, whose vision was to make sure women had affordable access to coaching services worldwide.  COMPASS is revolutionizing the industry of professional coaching.  Whether you want to lose weight, take control of your finances, improve your relationships, or just find time for yourself,  COMPASS has an action plan for women and teens.

I was so inspired and excited to know that I could take advantage of these services in 5 areas of my life – Life Balance, Money & Career, Relationships, Wellness and Spirit.  This is what I had been searching for half of my life.  It is like having a Personal Trainer for my Life!  If there had been a company like this when I was a teenage girl I would have taken advantage of these services a long time ago.

Since there is no time like the present, I am taking full advantage of this opportunity.  Not only am I receiving coaching, but also as a Certified COMPASS Representative, I am positioning myself to become a Certified COMPASS Coach as well.  I couldn’t be happier in my life knowing that finally, I am in the right place at the right time in my life, and I have all these tools at my disposal to make my dreams a reality!  COMPASS was my missing link.

A Great Reminder of My Past


So, I am going through some of my pictures and came across these in particular.  They are a good reminder of my past and focuses me on my present efforts that will pay off big time in my future!

That’s me in 2002.  Not quite at my largest, but pretty darn close.  Just before I made a major decision to take control of my life.

 

Below is me almost 1 year later after making the decision and following through to achieve the result of my effort.

 

Seven years later, I have set new goals for living a healthier life.  I am taking an overall approach.  Reconditioning my mind, my body, and my spirit.  I use various resources to keep me motivated, too.  I still have my size 24 jeans hanging visibly so I am reminded of how far I’ve come, and where I do not want to return.  It’s amazing today that I never saw myself quite like that before.  What’s even as amazing is how people treated me after I lost the weight. I will save the details for another blog entry.  I truly have some stories to tell about those experiences.  For now, I just wanted to share some more about myself.  Another layer of the onion.

The Bitter Pill


Today, while having a brainstorming of sorts, I revisited a pivotal moment in my past.  I reflected on a moment in my life when I had to swallow a bitter pill of truth.

Let me explain.  Some years ago, right after I separated from my husband I found myself as bitter as wormwood.  I was elated to be free from a 13-year relationship that was not healthy, but I was full of judgement, resentment and self-pity.  How could he do me this way?  Why was he so controlling?  Why didn’t he accept me and love me as me? The list of accusatory questions was long, I admit. 

Deep inside, I wanted my new start in life (post-husband) to be fresh, and I knew that I didn’t want to become a bitter, old ‘hag”.  I had to find ways to avert that outcome.  I just didn’t know how.  I am sure that I bought a few self-help books that I never finished reading.  I had many self-talks with myself as well.  But, the one thing I did that I can truly say started to set me free of my self-imposed prison was writing.  Writing, somehow, allowed me to dig within myself and find the truth.  Not the so-called truth that I had fed myself during the years of marriage, but the truth that only I could admit to myself, at first.

I had to peel back layer after layer of myself like an onion.  I didn’t like what I began to realize about myself.  I formed my thoughts into poems and prose.  It was amazing how it was more palpable that way, but at the same time it was gritty and gut-level honesty.   I began to answer why he could do me that way, because I “allowed” it. I answered why he couldn’t accept and love me as I was, because I “couldn’t” accept me or love me for me.  I answered why he was so controlling, because in the beginning it was easier to let him drive the relationship while I sat in the passenger seat.  In essence, I set him up for how I was to be treated.  Now, I am not saying that he was without any blame.  What I am saying is that I had to find myself in each instance where I wanted to nail him to the cross, and find the one “constant”.  That constant was me.  I was there through it all, in every situation and I allowed myself to stay longer than I should have.  I didn’t love myself enough to leave the relationship.  I allowed FEAR to rule my life.  Fear of being alone, fear of being a failure, fear that no one else would have me or love me, fear, fear, fear!!!!  That was a bitter pill to swallow, but once I did and allowed its effect to take place I began to set myself free of resentment, judgment, condemnation and distrust. 

Seeking, finding, exposing and facing my fears is how I must handle them.  Otherwise, I am paralyzed and unable to move forward.  Now, it didn’t happen over night, and believe me, there are still some remnants left from that relationship that I continue to work on.  But, I am happy to acknowledge that he and I are very cordial and have learned how to care for one another in a different way.  I feel good that I don’t have to carry that around  with me.  I have worked through it and today I am free.

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