I remember that little girl…


It’s been quite a while since I last wrote an entry.  I decided today was the day to share some of my self reflections.  It’s almost like a poem, but not really.   It’s the only way I could share my story so bare with me…

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When I was a little girl

I had such a small voice that never seemed to be heard
too afraid to yell or tell
because her threats were very persuasive
and the reason why I tried to be evasive
whenever I was in her presence
because she was stealing a child’s innocence
never once did she stop to think
how that would affect me years later
and oh, how I tried not to hate her

And He liked to touch me, too
every chance he got
a massage to my shoulder
a caress to my thigh
as a developing young girl
I never understood why
my body had begun to deceive me
I was still a child, couldn’t they see?
but my body swelled in areas that seemed to attract
hands and fingers from her, him and them and I could not keep them back
But why?!?
what had I done and how could I make them stop?
my mind had yet to catch up to my growing body
often I cried and asked why me

my legs where shapely and athletic, bronzed from playing in the sun
jumping rope, playing kickball or whatever was fun

my hips and breasts were becoming firm and round
resembling that of a grown woman
but, I was only nine, ten and eleven

yet, the seeds had been planted
and each new experience would only fertilize the grounds
that allowed me to question my morality
and for which I had once based my sexuality

However, on this day I confess what I have only disclosed to a few
I will no longer be held in bondage for today I start anew!

Thank you, Lord, I have forgiven them: she and he

I am tortured no longer, finally, I have been set FREE!!!

ilovemyself

Getting Back to Center – Authentically


Today was a great day for me.  I kept most of the promises that I made for myself.  I was slightly more determined to do so than I was yesterday.  I spent the morning shopping with my father.  I’m realizing that we have developed a few routines and shopping together is one of them.  The sun was shining so bright and it put us in a really good mood.  After we returned home and put away the groceries, I prepared myself for my Compass Top Earner’s call with our Founder Kim Fulcher.  As I listened to her deliver our training, I felt extra sensitive to her message, as if it had been prepared just for me.  She spoke about giving away your power and being a victim, blaming others for the wrongs in your life and gave tactical advice on how to counteract that type of thinking and behavior.  She said we should embrace the inner victor and to take responsibility for our lives.  She touched on a few other areas as well, but these two in particular really stayed with me.  She always says “What do you want? Now, what are you going to do about it?”.  I started to reflect on this after the call, but then became distracted by some of my other “to-dos”.

A few short hours later, a friend of mine asked me to send her my bio for an upcoming show for which I will be a guest.  In the midst of multi-tasking and listening to the “white noise” I sent her a bio that I knew didn’t truly reflect who I am, but seemed to be more professional.  The soft voice in my head suggested that I not send it, but I listened to the louder voice that said otherwise.  Now, I know we ALL hear voices in our head, right?  I do.  And what I have learned by trial and error is that I should trust the first voice, the softer voice and not the next one that is usually cloaked in fear, hesitation and procrastination.  And, almost without fail, when I follow the instructions of the louder voice the results that it yields are not what I wanted.  I end up saying, “I knew I should have….”.  So, this time was no different.

My phone rang and I am excited to see that it is my girlfriend.  I must admit that she and I have never met face-to-face.  We’ve had an online and telephone friendship for at least 3 years now.  We have connected soul-to-soul, however.  She “sees” me.  Image She loves me, and I her.  This I know for sure.  We begin chatting it up and she shares some really deep and enlightening experiences with me that evokes deep emotions within me.  She then gently asks me to rewrite my bio and share the real “me”.  She called a spade a “spade”.  She saw right through me.  I paused and then explained.  She shared some more of her own personal experiences with me.  I began to cry because it was the release that I needed.  I hadn’t realized that I had gotten off base within myself.  She was bringing me back “home”.  Back to center, back to my nucleus.    It was as if a door had been opened and I was able to see “me”.  The authentic me.  I really needed to return back to this place so that I could remember, relate and celebrate the uniqueness that lies within me.  I don’t have to “BE” anything other than the truly authentic woman who I am.  The woman who is in touch with my past, but who is perfectly present.

I thank God for placing key people in my life who can help guide me back toward my path when I stumble off course.  That is truly a blessing and a miracle in today’s world where people are so caught up in the competition of friendships and embracing “the haters” as if it gives them some type of credibility.  I am simply humbled by the fact that I have people who love me so dearly that they will pull my coat-tail and say “hey, come back to yourself”.  The training that I received earlier in the day about embracing your inner victor, coupled with the exchange between myself and Heidi (that’s the girlfriend) really moved me today.  It reminds me of a saying by Susan Taylor “Give yourself to yourself before you give yourself away.”



Desire/Opportunity/Purpose/COMPASS


For many years, my desire has been to help women to transform themselves and the world around them.  I was not always crystal clear on the exact formula to accomplish this, but I did understand that it all began on the inside.  I have always been in touch with my inner-self although not always in a positive way.  I remember how I would retreat inwardly to scold myself or to place myself on punishment, and verbally abuse myself.  Almost like a parent abusing a child behind closed doors, but having the appearance of a happy family in public.  That would describe how I treated myself for many years. 

What I began to realize is that my outward appearance didn’t match how I truly felt on the inside, and people were beginning to figure that out.  You see, no matter what a person appears to be on the outside, you can almost always tell how they really feel about themselves when you talk with them.  For instance, if you compliment them on their dress or appearance, you will almost always receive a negative response that deflects the positive compliment.  In other words, they are not able to receive compliments.  When a person feels good about themselves they simply reply ‘Thank You’. 

As the abused child began to show up more and more in my conversations and behavior, I became more frustrated because I only wanted to show the strong, confident and savvy woman who I aspired to become.  I was in serious conflict and I needed to do something about this and fast!

Naturally, I went to a few bookstores and bought a few self-help books with the understanding that once I read the book I would be fixed. Wrong!  It didn’t work like that for me because as I read the information, I analyzed it and counseled myself.  I didn’t have a third-party assist me or correct misinterpretations of the information I may have read, so the problem thinking only improved incrementally.   I did this over and over again, expecting that each book would be like a magic wand and make all of my problems disappear. Wrong again!  I made very small steps forward, but still there was progression and my desire to help other women on grew.

As I bounced back from strife and situations I began to see that I had been gifted with a resilient nature.  I also believe that my mother instilled that and encouraged me in that way as well.  I realized that if I continued to get back up off the ground, retreat  inward and work on “ME”, that I would improve myself and my life even if it was only gradually.  As I matured and became aware of therapy I sought out that type of help through counseling, but I quickly realized that it was very expensive.  That adventure didn’t last long, and I went back to what I knew best.  Books!

Now, 15 plus years later, I am still here.  I didn’t “check out” like I wanted to do on several occasions.  I am still here.  I kept getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.  I am still here.  My desire to help women continues and has long since been put into motion.  I am still here.  I know without a doubt what my Purpose is in life.  I am still here.  I now have the perfect Opportunity that is allowing me to fulfill my Purpose.  I am still here.  And now I have COMPASS as my guide.  And, yes, I believe that is one reason why I am still here.

Compass is a personal development company committed to improving the lives of women through affordable coaching programs and services.  It was Founded by Kimberly Fulcher in 2002, whose vision was to make sure women had affordable access to coaching services worldwide.  COMPASS is revolutionizing the industry of professional coaching.  Whether you want to lose weight, take control of your finances, improve your relationships, or just find time for yourself,  COMPASS has an action plan for women and teens.

I was so inspired and excited to know that I could take advantage of these services in 5 areas of my life – Life Balance, Money & Career, Relationships, Wellness and Spirit.  This is what I had been searching for half of my life.  It is like having a Personal Trainer for my Life!  If there had been a company like this when I was a teenage girl I would have taken advantage of these services a long time ago.

Since there is no time like the present, I am taking full advantage of this opportunity.  Not only am I receiving coaching, but also as a Certified COMPASS Representative, I am positioning myself to become a Certified COMPASS Coach as well.  I couldn’t be happier in my life knowing that finally, I am in the right place at the right time in my life, and I have all these tools at my disposal to make my dreams a reality!  COMPASS was my missing link.

My Fitness Journey, Again…


 I have been on a fitness quest for 7 weeks now.  Years ago, I was more attentive to my health, but I fell off the wagon and became complacent at some point.  If I made a decision to do better, I would derail myself once I cheated and it took several weeks or months to begin the process all over again.  This time, I made the decision to be persistent, consistent, disciplined, excited and have a sense of urgency this time around. These are the 5 Wealth Principles. 

My sister, whom I love dearly, has lost 28 pounds to date, and that alone motivated me.  She was never one for exercise because she had an amazing metabolism.  But, as with lots of women, it slows down as we progress through life.  That’s what began to happen to her and she gained quite a bit of weight.  She never lost her femininity, however.  She joined a fitness camp and slowly began to change her habits.  Because of her persistency, not perfection, she began to lose the weight and tone her body.  She hasn’t met her goal yet, but she is even more beautiful than before because she is nourishing her mind, body and spirit.

My BFF, Christine, is also on this journey.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have the 2 people whom I love dearly and mean so  much to me join me side-by-side in this journey that we define as our lives.  We started this quest for better health at different points, and we are making great progress toward our goals.  Christine is a P90X Princess!  She’s always been health conscience – 15+ years of low-carb eating – but she has turned it up several notches and has incorporated spiritual and mental expansion into her lifestyle for an entire overhaul.  The beautiful energy she exudes is amazing.  The energy each of us emits is synergy for our friendship as well.

Today, I celebrate these 2 women in my life and send them special love vibrations and wishes for our continued success.  Here’s to living an abundant life!!

Developing Your TotalPackage


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